Barnacles, Baptism, and Brian

            My head hurts. It’s a dull headache that seems to tick away at my brain with relentless consistency. Like a stream of water methodically wearing away at a rock within its path I can feel my mood shifting. Long gone is the excitement of “changing the world for Jesus.” Today I just want to sleep.

            There is an old saying, “No rest for the wicked.” If that’s true then I guess my life is one of complete and utter depravity. I feel like I’m always spinning the proverbial plates of life. At times I feel like I’m holding the world together. I remember a song we used to sing at church when I first became a follower of Jesus…“I’m carrying this load that I’m not meant to bear.”

            The problem is I refuse to put down the load.

            My wife recently wrote about learning to let go and rest in Christ. While I read her words I was struck with the reality that I need to let go. After all I’m not that important. I’m not the one who holds the world together. I’m not the one who has to keep all the plates spinning. It was never the intention of God that I be the Savior of the world. I’m supposed to be the one being saved.

            I hate being needy. I hate not having it all together. One of my biggest fears is for people to not think that I’m a great leader and a “mighty man of God.” If I were honest I would say that I want everyone to know how great I am. The Bible has two-word title for my heart: selfish ambition. It’s true that I want to see people come to Jesus. I’ve given my life to helping people move forward with God. I preach and teach and try to lead people to Jesus, but along the way I hope they remember who their tour guide was. I have ambition to see the Kingdom of God advance, but there’s that one pesky word before my ambition that keeps tripping me up…selfish.

            I dream of having a huge church where people flock to hear me pour out my wisdom like golden nuggets of truth. I fantasize about being the key-note speaker at every conference. I catch myself giving “interviews” in the shower to all the leading podcasts and I have already mapped out my book release tour for my soon-to-be New York Times Best-Selling book. I lust after recognition. My ambition is selfish.

            The funny thing is I didn’t start out like this. Younger Brian was much different than this seasoned veteran of ministry. Younger Brian loved being in God’s presence. Younger Brian loved helping people. Younger Brian prayed with passion simply to encounter Jesus and not to preach a powerful message about Jesus. I was happy. I was fulfilled. I was content in Him. Today I’m not content. Today I struggle when people leave our church. Today I lead for the applause of the crowd and not the pleasure of Christ. Older Brian needs to have his butt kicked by Younger Brian.

            There is hope though. I’ve noticed recently that I’m getting better. I’m learning to draw my value from simply being His child and not His minister. I’m finding myself praying less about my impact and more about His mission. I’m enjoying the people who do look to me for guidance and not as frustrated with those who leave my life for whatever reason they do. I’m learning that the goal really is obedience. I’m learning to let go. Now don’t get me wrong it’s not an easy lesson for a guy like me. It’s hard work to chisel the selfish away from the ambition. It’s taking patience and effort. I constantly wrestle with my mind and my emotions to keep the main thing the main thing. I’m not perfect, but I’m being perfected by the Author and Perfector or my faith.

            If you’ve read this far I want to say, “Thank You.” Thank you for being interested in what I have to say. It may not be ground-breaking leadership insight, but it is leadership insight. Chances are you find a little bit of my struggle living in your heart too. If you’ve ever set out to do anything for Jesus you’ve felt the pull of selfish trying to attach itself to ambition like a sea-weary barnacle welded to the keel of your ship. Maybe like me you’ve hidden the barnacles. It lives beneath the surface so you don’t always see it. Even worse, people don’t always see it. Nevertheless, lets work hard to chip away the grip that it has on our lives.

            You are more than your ministry. Read that line again. You are more than your ministry. When God called you He called you. He delights in letting his power flow through you. Move selfish out of the way and let God be God. Stop looking at how many people aren’t in your building on Sunday and start looking at how many people are there. Stop trying to keep up with the ministry Joneses and spend your energy keeping up with the Spirit of God. In the end you’ll have a much more healthy ministry if you lead out of love and not frustration.

            To be clear, I’m not saying that we shouldn’t want to reach more people. I dream of the day when the Church is moving in power and people all over are gathering to worship Jesus. I want your church to grow. I want you to baptize people and teach them about Jesus. I want you to outgrow your building. I want you to plant churches. I want you to train leaders. But I want you to enjoy what God has called you to do in every moment not just in a future “one-day” moment.

            I bet if you stop and think about it there are a lot of great stories happening all around you. There are lives being changed in your midst and you had a part in it. People are responding to Jesus and you had a part in it. Enjoy that. Celebrate that. Thank God for that. If we can’t learn to enjoy the moment one day we will realize that the moment was all we needed anyway.

            Right now as I’m writing this my youngest son is sleeping on the bed in the room where I’m at. He’s oblivious to daddy working. He doesn’t even know what work is yet. He’s simply resting while daddy is working. I think that’s how God wants us to live in ministry. He wants us to rest while Daddy is working. He wants us to be comfortable with Him doing the heavy lifting. He wants us to have a little REM sleep drool slide down our face while He is at work. He wants us to simply be.

            Remember the story of Jesus’ baptism? He comes to John to be baptized and after a brief protest John dunks him in the muddy water of the Jordan River. Then something spectacular happened – God spoke. He validated his Son. “This is my beloved Son, with whom I am well pleased” (Matthew 3.17). God was pleased with Jesus before Jesus ever did anything. He hadn’t healed anyone. He hadn’t taught anyone. He hadn’t walked on any water. He hadn’t multiplied any loaves. He hadn’t cast any demons out. He hadn’t given his life on the Cross. Nothing. He had done nothing yet the Father was simply pleased in Him. I hope you hear the voice of the Father speaking over you today that he is pleased with you. Before you do anything for the Kingdom you are valuable to the King. Let the muddy water of ministry roll off of you and embrace the words of your Father today. You are His beloved and He is well pleased in you.