Emotional Health: The Leader's Best Friend or Worst Nightmare

If I had to list one area that will cause most leaders great joy or great difficulty I would say that area is the emotional health of said leader. Nothing derails leadership potential and productivity like an emotionally unhealthy leader. When we haven't taken the time and effort to maintain our emotional health we become insecure, needy, judgmental, and bitter - just to name a few! We move away from leading people and fly first-class to the land of needing people. When we place an unhealthy need on people we will never be able to lead them in a helpful way. When we hunger for approval we will do just about anything to get it. When we live with insecurity nothing will ever satisfy our desire for the validation of others. When we aren't fine with our personal leadership and identity then we will never fully appreciate and celebrate other leaders in our lives. Simply put, emotional health is one of the most important areas of a leader's life to focus on. 

One of the more prominent examples of an emotionally unhealthy leader is found in he Old Testament leader King Saul. Saul was he first king of the nation of Israel. He was chosen by the people the be the leader of the entire lot of people. He was tall, dark, and handsome - the picture of leadership and power. The problem is that Saul wasn't comfortable in his own identity and eventually became jealous and suspicious of others in his life. 

Enter David. 

David was just a shepherd boy. He was a teenager who wasn't old enough to fight in the war sent to the frontlines by an errand for his father. He wasn't setting out to change the course of history, but as many times in life history had a different plan for him. David eventually defeats Goliath, the overgrown nemesis of the nation of Israel, and finds himself becoming a pretty popular man in the area. As a matter of fact, ladies sang songs in his honor. 1 Samuel 18.7 says, "As they danced, they sang: 'Saul has slain his thousands, and David his tens of thousands.'" Talk about notoriety! David was the new national hero. He was the name on everyone's lips. Young Jewish boys would pretend to be David in their backyards and playgrounds. Gone were the days of everyone worshipping the power of Saul. Now David was the favorite dish on everyone's menu. 

These things are good...if you are David. If you are Saul now your emotional health is being stretched to the limits. Unfortunately for Saul he could never find a way to let David into his life and ultimately his leadership and life was cut short as a result. 

1 Samuel 18.9 - "And from that time on Saul kept a jealous eye on David."

Saul was jealous. He was emotionally unhealthy. He was scared that David would forcefully take he throne and run him out of town. What he missed because of being emotionally unhealthy was that David could have been his greatest ally instead he made David his greatest enemy. His unhealthy emotions caused him to sever a relationship that could have solidified his kingdom for generations to come. 

Here are 3 things to learn about emotional health from Saul's life:

1. Emotionally Unhealthy Leaders Can't Handle New Leaders Emerging Within the Group

Saul couldn't handle the rise of David. He was insecure and jealous. He was fearful of Dacid's growing popularity. I've noticed that emotionally unhealthy leaders never do well with emerging leaders. Emotionally unhealthy leaders are always suspicious and jealous of emerging leaders. They view new leaders as threats instead of assets to the group.

How do you combat this kind of insecurity? 

Be comfortable in your own skin. Only you can be you. You are a valuable part of the team and no one can take that from you but you. 

Expect and celebrate the Davids in your life. New leaders emerge. That's just a fact of life. Be okay welcoming new members to the team. Celebrate the fact that your organization is growing at such a pace that it requires and encourages new leaders to emerge. Refuse to let jealousy put you in a choke hold. 

2. Emotionally Unhealthy Leaders Care More About Their Position Than the Mission of the Group

Saul was worried that David would replace him. That's classic positional leader thinking. Stop being obsessed with titles and position and start being intentional about fulfilling the mission of he team! Saul was upset because David defeated Goliath and received the accolades that comes along with a great military victory. Remember that Goliath was a serious problem that Saul needed to deal with. David solved the problem, but Saul couldn't handle the threat to his position as the great king. Nothing screams unhealthy emotions like a leader that is more concerned with his or her position than the mission of the group. John Maxwell in The 5 Levels of Leadership says, "The leader makes the position the position doesn't make the leader." Refuse to let the trap of positional leadership hold you in its grip! 

How do you combat the positional leadership trap?

Remember why you started. Go back in your heart to the day you decided to join the team. Remember the passion you had when you first got the job. Rekindle the flame of your hunger to make a difference. Often times we can get so caught up in the everyday operations that we forget that we are actually impacting people in a positive way. Don't let the lust for a position stop you from embracing emerging leaders and growing the impact of the organization. I can promise you that if you spend the bulk of your energy leading and growing you will never lose your position no matter how many Davids arise within the group. Focus on making a difference not achieving/maintaining a position.

3. Emotionally Unhealthy Leaders Need the Validation of Others

Saul started to slip into an unhealthy frame of mind not when David defeated Goliath, but when he heard the women of the city singing songs about David. In the same way emotionally unhealthy leaders need the validation of others to make them feel satisfied in life. These are the people who are always fishing for compliments. They always need someone to tell them "good job" or "attaboy." When you lead only for the positive affirmation of the crowd you will never lead beyond the impact of your least popular decision. As a leader you will many times have to make decisions that some people in the organization will not fully agree with or like. If you have to have everyone singing your praises then you will never make the difficult decisions because you need the validation of the crowd.  Don't worry about whether people like you as much as you worry about fulfilling the mission of your life.

If you constantly need people telling you "good job" or "wow, you're awesome!" chances are you will never allow David to add value to your team. 

How do you combat the validation trap?

Learn to get your validation first from God and secondly from within yourself. If you aren't happy with the job you are doing then no one else will ever fill the void left by your feelings of inadequacy. Stop needing the affirmation of others and be comfortable being who God created you to be! 

The subject of Emotional Health could fill up a million different blog posts and books so I will stop here for now. Spend some time searching your own heart and see how healthy you are emotionally. If you find insecurity and jealousy lurking around the corner I would encourage you to stop and focus the next few weeks of your leadership on finding wholeness. Remember you will never be able to consistent,y lead people beyond your own emotional health. 

Insecurity in Leadership

8 Then Saul was very angry, and the saying displeased him; and he said, “They have ascribed to David ten thousands, and to me they have ascribed only thousands. Now what more can he have but the kingdom?” 9 So Saul eyed David from that day forward.

1 Samuel 18.8-9

               

     Insecurity is a terrible thing. It makes us feel like we are less than perfect. It holds us hostage to unhealthy emotions and an unfair standard. Insecurity lies to us and tells us that we aren’t – when God is telling us that we are. Insecurity can ruin your leadership. It will slowly wrap around your faith and squeeze all the life out of you. There is no place in the life of a leader for insecurity.

               

     In the above passage we find Saul, the reigning king of Israel, succumbing to the lure of insecurity. He is stung by the words of the crowd and for the rest of his life lives in suspicion and jealousy of David. The ironic thing is that David would have been Saul’s greatest ally if only Saul had been able to overcome his insecurity.

               

     I wonder how many of us are chasing “David” away because of insecurity. Seriously. “David” is that new leader who has a ton of ideas. “David” is that church member that finally caught a fire for Jesus (the very passion that you have been praying she would get) and now suggests that you start new ministries. “David” is that person who you keep at arms distance because they have to “prove their faithfulness” before you let them serve in a greater capacity.

     If we are honest with ourselves we would say that “David” threatens everything that has “Saul’s” blood running through it. What I mean by that is we get comfortable with our status and position and when someone upsets the apple cart by offering fresh perspective and new ideas we can get territorial. All of a sudden we catch ourselves thinking negative thoughts about people on the team or in the church. “Why can’t he just listen to what I’m saying?” “I’m the one who has been here serving when no one else was here. She needs to chill out and just do what I said.” “He hasn’t even been a Christian for 2 months and now he wants to lead a group?!” The list goes on and on.

     

     Beware of places where insecurity has crept into your heart. Saul eventually threw spears at David trying to kill him. Actually, his overwhelming need to get rid of David was what ultimately led to his death. Like I said earlier, insecurity is a terrible thing.

     

     Here are a few observations about insecurity in Saul’s life that we might identify with:

1. He was more concerned with public opinion than with his God-given position.

     It was the singing of the town’s women that sent Saul into his insecure tizzy. They exaggerated the works of both men yet Saul was angry because the new kid on the block was given more credit than he was. I cannot tell you how many times I have been victim to this trick. In ministry it is so easy to draw our identity from the crowd. That’s why for many pastors the greatest day of the week and the worst day of the week is Sunday. On that day if the house is packed and people respond well to the sermon the soft whisper of insecurity reminds us of how great we are. However when we have lower numbers than usual or preach what we consider a “bad” sermon that same voice that once reassured us now confirms how terrible we are. “Well you bombed that one!” “I’ll be surprised if anyone comes back next week!”

     Ministry success in not defined by numbers. Period. Numbers don’t prove that you are a good leader. That day Saul placed too much emphasis on the movement of the crowd and not enough emphasis on his God-given position. Regardless of what those silly women sang as they shook their ancient tambourines that day there was still one simple truth…Saul was still the king. There song didn’t change his position. He lost track of that because he was more concerned with public opinion than with his God-given position. Don’t draw your significance from the song of the crowd. You’re better than that. If God has put you in your position celebrate His choosing of you and don’t let the jingling of the tambourines change your mind.

2. He jumped to unhealthy conclusions.

     Check this out: Saul actually took the words from a song that women were singing because they were glad the battle with the Philistines was over and in essence said, “Wow they have said David is amazing. I guess the next thing they’re going to do is kill me so that he can be the king!” Saul was displaying the classic tell-tale signs of a spiritual hypochondriac. He thought that matters were worse than they actually were.

     My wife picks on me because I tend to act like a hypochondriac at times. You know my type: a soon as I get a sore throat I go to WebMD and look at the symptoms only to realize that I have low spinal fluid, polio, and throat cancer! Stop laughing. You know how we can get! That’s what’s happening here with Saul. He hears a silly song (not from Larry) and freaks out because he thinks the sky is falling! It’s kind of like how us pastors can get when someone disagrees with a decision we make and we start looking at www.churchjobs.com for a new job. Calm down. Take a few deep breaths. Drink some cold water. It’s just a silly song. Don’t jump to conclusions. Let the younger leaders have their celebration. Heck, even celebrate with them! Don’t be so scared that the “kingdom” is on the line that you don’t enjoy the journey.

     I want to point out here that Saul was scared over a silly song that was sang in the heat of the moment. I don’t want to call the character of those young Israelite women into account here, but I want to point out that they were just making stuff up off the cuff. They didn’t put together a task force to research all of David and Saul’s military exploits. They didn’t bring in Randy Johnson from American Idol and have him coach them on the song writing process. They just opened their mouths and started singing. They were glad the war was over and that’s all. Yet the insecurity within Saul’s heart caused him to forfeit his joy over a few silly songs. Don’t let a silly song rob you of your joy.

3. He held a grudge.

     Verse 9 says, “So Saul eyed David from that day forward.” As a matter of fact on several occasions Saul tried to kill David. From that day forward all the affairs of King Saul’s administration were focused on eliminating David as a threat to the crown. Saul eventually ruined relationships with his daughter Michal and his son Jonathan because of his grudge with David. He even lost his throne over it. The one thing that he was trying to protect he ended up losing because the intoxication of his grudge clouded his judgment and hampered his effectiveness as a leader.

     That’s why we must labor to accept the Davids in our lives. Let them win every now and then. Pray for them. Ask God to surround you with Davids. Ask God to help you not be an insecure leader. If you are holding onto a grudge stop right now and let it go. Listen to me when I say you need David to help you be successful. David is not there to hurt you – he’s there to help you. Stop letting insecurity rob you of the blessing of teamwork. In ministry it really is true that we’re better together. Saul lost sight of that and it cost him dearly. Don’t make the same mistake.